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June 23, 2013 |
| Marriage | ||
Marriage is one of the foundational relationships of mankind. All peoples everywhere practice it. God used it as a model for his relationship with his chosen people Israel and it is the model for our relationship with him. In fact, the relationship between God and his people informs us about marriage and marriage informs us about our relationship with him.
In this lesson we will look at this relationship, how it came about, its purpose and many other aspects of it.
Marriage was instituted in Genesis 2. At that time only Adam had been created and God had placed him in the Garden of Eden.
18 The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
So God created woman from the rib of man (Adam) and brought her to him.
23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Verse 23 can't be fully understood without looking at the Old Testament Hebrew. The word for man is איש and the word for woman is אשה. In these words we see the yod from man being removed to become a new character (hey) in woman.
This symbolism also appears to be the foundation for what is said in verse 24. Without it verse 24 doesn't seem to follow from verse 23. This action of taking out of Adam to make woman is related to a man being taken out of his family to make one new flesh.
Three critical aspects of this joining together are given here, leaving father and mother, clinging to his woman, and becoming one flesh.
The idea of leaving father and mother is not so much about where the new couple lives. It is about leaving the relationship. They are still father, mother, and son but there is now a change. The man has become responsible for his woman and any children they may have. Because of this he now must make decisions for his family. In this change the man has gone from being a son under the direction of his father to being a father himself. Although the text here only refers to the man it applies to the woman as well. She leaves her father – mother – daughter relationship to become a mother herself.
This change of relationships is critical to the success of the marriage. If a man or woman continues in the old relationship the new relationship cannot form correctly. A wise husband hears the counsel of his father and other fathers as a wise woman hears the counsel of her mother and other wives. But together the man and woman make decisions for their family.
The result is a new relationship with God as well. The man becomes responsible to God for his family. The woman becomes responsible to the man. We see the role of the woman as helper in the relationship in the verses above. We see the role of man in that God goes to Adam for accountability after Eve ate first from the forbidden tree and then gave to Adam. These roles are built in to man and woman and the husband and wife relationship works best in this way.
The second critical aspect of this joining together of man and woman is clinging to each other. The NIV verse above uses the lame word "united", but the Hebrew word is better translated as clinging and that informs us better. Clinging shows willfulness to hold on through the storms and not be blown back to an old relationship. The NIV's word "united" indicates a once and done relationship. But clinging shows continuousness. You don't just cling once but always.
The third critical aspect is becoming one flesh. Some people think this refers only to a sexual relationship but it does not. The relationship here is to be modeled after the relationship of the Trinity, which think together as one and move together as one. Ideally husband and wife move to a point where they don't have to ask the other "what do you think about this" because they know.
But this is a process and we see that in the text with the word "become" which indicates change over time. And we also know that we are flawed and that perfect relationship is not completely achievable. The essential elements are leaving, clinging, and becoming one.
It would be unlike God to do something that only had one purpose – it would be much more like man to do that. Everything that God does has deeper and more far reaching purposes than we can fully understand. Therefore it should come as no surprise to us that there is more than one purpose to marriage.
God said that "it was not good for man to be alone" and "the two would become one". In this we see the first purpose of marriage, to have a special relationship with someone. More than an acquaintance, friend, or brother, this relationship is to be closer and deeper. It is to be one where the deepest secrets can be revealed and kept in confidence.
Another purpose is to produce a new unit that is stronger than either one because each supports the other. The previous purpose was to build something inward facing – something special between a man and a woman. This purpose is to build something outward facing that can withstand the world.
In both of the above a marriage is a team where one can give the other a break. Sometimes internal pressures or external pressures can become too much for one of the team. That's when the other needs to step in.
Another purpose is reproduction. This is not just about sexual satisfaction, or even giving birth. It is about the formation of a unit that can provide for, care for, protect, teach, correct, and discipline. They keep out the evils of the world to create an environment inside that is good for growth.
In short it's all about growth and love, growth of children and as well the husband and wife and growing together as a team and family.
By nature a marriage is a covenant relationship. A covenant is different from a contract. A contract binds the services of people together to get something done and when that work is complete the contract ends. A covenant binds people together into a relationship that does not end unless one party breaks the terms of the covenant. "Contracts are witnessed by people with the state as guarantor; covenants are witnessed by God with God as guarantor"1
We understand this covenant nature of a marriage through the covenant God made with the Israelites which is frequently depicted as a marriage. In Deuteronomy 7 God, through Moses, reviews the terms of the covenant they have entered into with him. Specifically he says
9 Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. 10 But those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction; he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him. 11 Therefore, take care to follow the commands, decrees and laws I give you today.
In this we see that his covenant with Israel was a covenant of love, as is a marriage. We also see that it is unending. While the specific words are "to a thousand generations" the intent is not that the 1001st generation would be excluded from the covenant. Instead the intent is to indicate an immeasurable number of generations. We do something similar when we say "there were a bazillion of them."
Marriage is also a covenant of faith. This is because the man and woman cannot know how the marriage will turn out. All they can know is that they are committed to making it work.
Some people will have a hard time with the next part. As a covenant between a man and a woman it is brought into effect by vows between the two. These are vows of love and fidelity for as long as they live. The covenant is witnessed by God with God as guarantor. Neither church nor state is part of that covenant. Marriage was created by God for man and woman; neither state nor church can redefine it or terminate it. But also neither state nor church is required to bring it into effect.
The state and church both should have roles to play, however. The state is authorized to restrict people from entering into this covenant but it cannot change the nature of the covenant. These restrictions always exclude marrying people who are close relatives and generally there are age restrictions. The couple to be should also seek the approval of their families and community.
The church has a role in teaching the prospective couple what God expects of them and the nature of the covenant they are entering into. But the church cannot marry people anymore than a justice of the peace can marry people. A man and woman are married by the vows they make to each other.
If this were not so we would be wrestling with questions like "who married Adam and Eve" or "who married Abraham and Sarah" and were those marriages legitimate. After all there was no church at that time. We would also be wondering if Hindu marriages are legitimate because they do not believe in our God. God created marriage for the benefit of all mankind.
Marriage was created as a union of one man and one woman. Anything else is something else – something that does not have God's approval.
The normal way for a marriage to end is with the death of a spouse. This was also true for the covenant between God and Israel. It ended with the death of God. Paul, speaking to those who knew the law, talks about this in Romans 7.
2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. […]
4 So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.
As we've seen, marriage is a covenant for life. It was not to end in any other way. In Malachi 2 God says
16 For I hate divorce," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the Lord of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."2
Yet God has allowed a few causes for separation and divorce. From the beginning God allowed the divorce of people who should never have been married because the marriage violated his command. One reason for this was when the people were too close in family. God had given the Israelites instructions on who could not marry based on family relationships.
Another cause like this was marriage outside of Judaism. In Ezra 10 some of the Jews returning to Israel had taken wives from gentile peoples. When they understood this was wrong3 and repented, they agreed to "put away their wives." But even this doesn't appear to be divorce but instead separation. The men will still support them.
God also allowed Moses to allow divorces when a husband finds something unacceptable about his wife4. No particular requirements are given and it would likely include the husband finding that the wife finds him unacceptable. This comes up in Matthew 19:3 when Jesus is asked about divorce. Jesus' response is essentially "God does not want divorce. He only allowed Moses to let you divorce because of your hard hearts."
Something is going on in this passage that many people miss. The Pharisees are trying to trap Jesus in a dispute they are having, a dispute that continues to today. It comes about because the text about divorce in Deuteronomy 24 is lacking details and open to interpretation. Some Pharisees believed the text allowed divorce for any reason; other thought it was only allowed for special reasons. So they ask this question of Jesus, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" Note that they aren't asking if divorce is lawful but what reasons make it lawful.
They've given him choice A or choice B, but he takes choice C, "you are both wrong". Jesus goes on to reset the standard for divorce back to the way it was, using the Genesis 2 text as his reference. He says except for the cause of adultery, a divorced person who remarries commits adultery.
The way he expresses it leaves some unsaid points. If you separate at all or divorce for any other reason you are to continue to try to restore that relationship. Even if there is adultery you are not required to divorce but you are to try to restore that relationship. We see the evidence for this in Hosea.
This answer from Jesus stuns even his disciples. At the time the religious orders were misunderstanding the law. They thought that adultery automatically resulted in death by stoning. They had forgotten why the mercy seat sits over the law inside the Ark of the Covenant. The law was to be applied with mercy.
Jesus' disciples observe "If the accusations are thus between a man and a wife, it is not [appropriate or advantageous] to take a wife." The point they are making is this: if a man or wife is accusing the other of adultery and they separate it is better for them not to marry again. Jesus, apparently in agreement, begins to speak about eunuchs.
God created marriage for the benefit of man and woman that they might have a deeper and more loving relationship and that they might understand another aspect of God's love for them. It also creates the perfect environment in which to raise children who will bring glory to God.
Likewise man and woman were created for marriage. The desire for that relationship is part of their natures. For this reason marriages are found in all countries and creeds.
1 Paul E. Palmer "Christian Marriage: Contract or Covenant?" Theological Studies vol 33, no 4 (December 1972): 639
2 NASB, the NIV differs significantly
3 Deuteronomy 7:4
4 Deuteronomy 24:1